Connecting Our Disparate Inner Parts

A disconnected inner self leads to a chaotic outer world experience in which we feel like we don't fit in. Feeling like you don't fit in affects how we act, treat others, and perceive the world around us.

The journey towards healing starts with acknowledging and accepting these truths and committing to a lifestyle that connects the disparate parts of our inner world. Connecting our disparate inner parts makes our inner world whole.

In this whole inner world, unpleasant feelings are no longer labeled as bad and hidden away but are acknowledged and cared for, just like the feelings traditionally labeled as pleasant.

In this whole inner world, unpleasant feelings are first-class citizens. All feelings get to experience the joy of being seen.

The biggest step we must take is acknowledging, accepting, and experiencing all feelings on an even playing field. When we take this step, our perspective opens and our compassion for others deepens.

Compassion transforms our actions. We feel good.

And so the cycle goes.

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up

I grew up around friends who knew what they wanted to be. I, on the other hand, had no clue. While I didn't feel too terrible about it, I did feel like I was missing out on something communal. To get in on the action, I either needed to (1) discover exactly what I wanted to be, or (2) at least know what to say when I was asked the question: "What do YOU want to be when you grow up?" I chose to do the latter.

Fortunately, I was surrounded by cues on what would be acceptable to say. There were the books in my Early Readers series that told stories of mummies and daddies who worked in hospitals and schools and offices, doing important things all day while their kids were at school. There were the 'let's-pretend-we're-grownups' games played during recess that allowed me to try out different roles. But perhaps the most overt signals came from the adults around me whose palpable excitement could not be contained when a child exclaimed "Doctor!" "Lawyer!" "Astronaut" or "President!" in response to that taxing question.

So when I turned 6, I decided on [DRUM ROLL] ... Doctor. It wasn't what I necessarily wanted to BE, but it was what I had decided to say: it was a frontrunner in all the above scenarios; and adults seemed to adore the idea. So I kept the ruse going well into early adolescence.

But by 15, my genuine disinterest in medicine revealed itself. I found my Biology and Chemistry classes to be interesting, but more tedious than I had patience to tolerate. I loved applying myself and was never one to shy away from my studies, but this felt different. The work didn't feel worth it.

I don't recall telling my mother that I no longer wanted to be a doctor, but I must have, because at some point, I switched into the subjects of Business and Spanish and she raised no memorable objection. But inside, I was a bit confused: I still felt the same pressure to narrow in on a set of subjects that would be the foundation of a future profession, yet had no natural inclination towards any particular area. Well, except for dance. I wanted to be a dancer. But that was not going to happen. Subject for another post.

So I stayed the course with Business and Spanish and went on to major (naturally) in International Business at University. The passion still had not emerged, and I had no idea where inside that field I would want to land, but I ploughed away. I continued ploughing away through Business School all the way to my first corporate job... and that's when, with the help of caring coaches, exceptional managers and empathetic mentors, I began to uncover some truths about myself and nuggets of wisdom that continue to propel me forward in life.

• It's okay to not know what you want to do when you grow up. Not having a clearly defined vision of a final professional end state made it easy for me to say yes to new opportunities. I probably would not be where I am today if it wasn't for this mindset.

• Understand what you like to do inside of your job, then find ways to do more of it. Early on in my career, I recall feeling extremely anxious about my future. Although I was doing well in my job, I felt like a fraud because in my mind, I was destined to be doing other things with my life (like dancing! or running a small business!) and my new reality was inconsistent with this vision I had for myself. With the help of my then Life Coach, I was able to understand and embrace the fact that there were elements of the work that I truly enjoyed - problem solving, working on a team, storytelling, etc. - because they were strengths transferred from my former life as a professional dancer. These became some of my 'must haves' as I moved into new roles.

• You don't have to end up where you started. Whether it's a new opportunity inside your current company, a cross-functional assignment, a change of company, a side hustle on top of your day job, or a return to education to enter an entirely new field, you have the power to mix things up, experiment and make changes in your life. It is never too late to start something new - you can have as many acts in life as you desire.

So tell me... when you were younger, did you have a clear picture of what you wanted to be doing when you grew up? Are you doing it, or has life taken you onto other paths which you had not initially imagined for yourself?

My Gratitude Practice

In the middle of last year, I set an intention to manifest a change in my life. I bought a small journal, and on the first page, I penned a letter to my future self, visualizing what I felt I needed to STOP and START doing in order to see that change come to fruition.

This practice of reflecting on paper quickly became habitual. It was also surprisingly therapeutic and nourishing: like exercise for my mind and food for my soul. I was excited that I'd discovered this new outlet to process the feelings of hope, frustration and fear that were constantly emerging because of this desire that I'd manifested.

When I experienced setbacks and slumps, the journal was a real lifesaver. I'd write to remind myself of my mother's mantras, celebrate even the tiniest of 'wins', and acknowledge that the tension I was feeling was a good thing: because this tension - this 'struggle,' really - was a sign that I was striving for something better.

"All striving comes from lack, from a dissatisfaction with one's condition, and is thus suffering as long as it is not satisfied; but no satisfaction is lasting; instead, it is only the beginning of a new striving. We see striving everywhere inhibited in many ways, struggling everywhere; and thus always suffering; there is no final goal of striving, and therefore no bounds or end to suffering."

Arthur Schopenhauer (German Philosopher), The World as Will and Representation, Vol. 1

Since that first future-self letter, I've continued to turn to my journal, not always every day but with decent regularity, to reflect on the things that I am grateful for - big and small. And when I don't get to the journal (especially on the weekends when being fully available for my family takes precedent or laziness washes over me), I have fun just shouting out things I'm grateful for with my kids. Things like: "We love you TREES! We are grateful that you are here and you have leaves on you now that it is Spring. Thank you for being so green and beautiful!" that seem silly, but are true reflections of how we really feel and also help to fill our home with a lighthearted positivity that lasts until Monday.

Now I know that this whole gratitude practice / journaling thing is not for everyone. For instance, if you're working through extremely painful or complex issues, expressing gratitude alone may not be a sufficient or satisfying solution - neither if you simply don't enjoy writing, nor if you're already where you want to be in life... you get the point. But if you're working towards a clear goal and want to find more appreciation for, and enjoyment in the process of working towards that goal, then it doesn't hurt to give it a try.

• Helpful Resource: I follow @commandinglife on Instagram because I like their inspirational daily quotes, but they also sell a daily inspirational journal that gives you the tools to get into the practice more easily.

So What Am I Grateful For?

After learning of Brene Brown's TGIF | A Weekly Gratitude Practice, I was inspired to start sharing some of the things that I am grateful for on this forum as well.

But not in this post... not yet.

www.brenebrown.com #TGIFpractice

I don't plan on sharing everything that I'm grateful for everyday because for me it's important that some things in life remain personal. Plus, I'm sure that you will get bored.

So sharing a summary of my week's highlights on Fridays seems like a good place to start. I'm excited to see how it goes, and hope to hear from you on your week's highlights as well.

Stay tuned!

Some people will dislike you no matter what you do... and that's totally fine

That is not me. I think he might have something against me. Or maybe he just does not like me. I'm not sure what else I can do. I am not sure I want to do anything else.

These were the thoughts that flitted across my mind while receiving some unusually harsh, and undeserved criticism from someone, on behalf of someone else.

Sitting across from the message bearer, I stared unflinchingly into his eyes with legs crossed and torso upright and forward leaning; a physical habit that I'd adopted so that I could fully focus on the message, listen intently, actively, and empathetically; so that I could try to tease apart fact from fiction... truth from emotion.

Although I wanted to defend myself against what felt like character assassination and was growing more frustrated at the suggestion that I should continue to find ways to "win him over" given his position, I remained motionless and quiet, except for the occasional blink or reflexive head tilt to express my genuine disbelief and concern. When a natural lull in the conversation allowed me to respond, I calmly let it out:

"I am sorry, but asking me to try to 'win him over' is something that is a bit unfair. I have heard this feedback before and done all that I could do to flex my style to make him more comfortable with me and to try to build a relationship. I honestly believe that he simply does not like me because I break with the norm of what he's used to; if I don't agree with him, I voice it... and this does not sit well with him. So I have accepted that he may always dislike me, and you know what? I am okay with it."

I went on to try to elaborate why I felt it was impossible to win this man over: he had an old-school view of women in the workplace; a cultural background that emphasized hierarchy pandering to the one individual at the top; a belief that people should only do what they are told versus challenge the status quo.

And while I understood the feedback, I was clear that I was no longer going to try to be liked by someone whose feelings I had no control over... because 'trying' would require me to completely alter the way I showed up in any interaction with him, quiet the natural curiosity that led me to ask questions in meetings that could illuminate a better way forward; and stop challenging when I felt like I had ample information or cause to do so.

I'd be lying if I told you that this was easy. It wasn't. It was tough because I like people, and I like people to like me. I enjoy helping people and the teams that I work with, and want to bring a light, positive and we-can-do-this energy in all my interactions. So making the decision to stop trying to work on a relationship that only I wanted to see improve, took mental toughness and resilience.

So if like me, you're not a natural 'people pleaser,' you will probably encounter similar situations at work and in life. It may hurt the first time you get word that someone doesn't like you and that's okay. You can't ignore the feeling. But you can control your behavior and what you do next.

Your challenge will be to figure out: (A) whether the dislike that you're experiencing is valid and needs your attention (because it causes discomfort, truly offends others, or is hurting the perception of your work); or (B) whether the dislike should be left alone and ignored (because it is directed to you the person and not your work or contributions, is isolated to an individual, and your previous attempts to build a relationship with the person has led to naught).

If it's the former, then you have some reflection to do and I'd recommend seeking advice from your manager, a coach or mentor on how to address whatever the issue is. But if it's the latter, then understanding that NOT caring too much - cause it saves your energy and allows you to not compromise who you are - could be the key to moving on.

For more insights on how to care less when someone doesn't like you, check out this blog post from Refine the Mind titled, The Gorgeous Reality of Not Being Well-Liked by Everyone.

What strategies have you employed to deal with people who dislike you, either at work or in life? Please let me know in the comments section below!

Why it's okay to ask for help when you're struggling at work

One of my favorite and most treasured golden gems of advice gifted to me by my first boss, was to never shy away from asking for help, because:

... those who are able to acknowledge that they don't have all of the answers and are brave enough to seek guidance, tend to go the furthest.

Like your tell-it-like-it-is aunt, or that sensible older cousin, she had an uncanny ability to see into my future in a way that I could not. When she spoke, I felt emotion and force and intellect carrying her words - a clear sign that she was speaking from experience. So I listened intently. She put a tremendous amount of care and effort into helping me understand my potential so that I could fly far when I had left her protective nest. She strove to help put me on as sturdy a footing as possible as soon as I walked through the doors because she knew that the world beyond her reassuring reach would not be so forgiving.

Looking back, the behavior which led my boss to dole out sage wisdom in her typical no frills, borderline tough love style, came from a place of innocence on my part. It was an obvious rookie misstep. Believing in my abilities in spite of my lack of deep technical experience, she'd managed to bring me in to join her team, part-time at first. She desperately needed some additional hands to help tackle the mountain of work that her full-time team could no longer focus on because of a sudden tripling in workload; the happy result of a recent, super, successful, new product launch. My task seemed fairly simple at the outset: review a bunch of historical research from a handful of different countries; find the patterns and inconsistencies; then present thoughtful recommendations to the broader team.

"Well, this is a lot, but I've got what it takes, right?" were my initial thoughts. I don't think I actually said many words while the request was being explained to me. For sure, if I did, none of them were questions. So I left her office feeling excited and ready to tackle my very first big-girl corporate assignment. I returned to my cubicle and started opening the files from my email. One by one, I quickly clicked through each report and became increasingly overwhelmed by all that I in-fact did not know: the jargon, the acronyms; the differences in the way each report was assembled; the numbers... all. those. numbers.

I shut my laptop and headed to the coffee cart by the elevators when our friendly coffee lady stopped on our floor. I was eager to take a break, because by then, my brain was swimming with thoughts of doom and doubt. Wait, I have no idea what a corporate-style 'synthesis' looks like! What does she mean by 'synthesis'? Is that a summary or are they used to something completely different around here? I felt silly for feeling so ill-prepared, and worried about being found out for this.

I returned to my desk to continue to inflict more mental wounds; I'm not supposed to be here. I'm the only one here who hasn't worked in the field that they were hired to work in before. I'm not sure she knew what she would be getting into when she hired me. And on I went. I spent most of the day beating myself up for not being able to figure things out more quickly and kept all these feelings to myself. The next day, I resolved to get moving and did what I could to get on top of the request so that I could prove to my boss that she'd not made a mistake in bringing me on. I did everything...well, I did everything that is, except ask for help.

Before the final delivery of my presentation, I'd set up a meeting to share my progress and get feedback from my boss. By that point, I had worked so hard on perfecting every slide that I'd convinced myself that the presentation was awesome. Yes, awesome. I was proud of what I'd overcome and was eager to see my boss' reaction to what I'd done; what I'd thought was really good work.

But she wasn't on the same page. She didn't think that it was awful, but her stiffly placed pointer-finger over her lips, revealed a subtle discomfort; like she was not quite unhappy, but not thrilled either, and did not want to say too much right away so as not to bruise my ego. After I'd gone through the first section of the presentation, she finally stopped me. She posed two pointed questions which were meant to help orient her as she listened to my story, but were really not-so thinly veiled pieces of constructive feedback: "What's the objective of this presentation?" and "Who is this presentation for?" I was completely thrown off... and deeply humbled.

As I stumbled over my answers, I could feel my body's temperature increasing as waves of embarrassment seeped into the places where certainty once occupied. To her credit, my boss knew exactly what she was doing. My presentation was aesthetically beautiful and showed that I'd put a lot of work into extracting the big AHAs, but it lacked the cohesion it needed to be a compelling story that would keep an audience's attention or spark meaningful thinking and conversation.

In addition to asking about the presentation's objective and intended audience, my boss also inquired why I hadn't come to her earlier on to clarify these questions, and any others that I might have had. I confessed lied and said that I didn't think I needed the help because the request was clear and straightforward. The truth, as you now know, was that I was scared.

I equated asking for help with weakness. So I kept my mouth shut and my head down; plowed through the research using Google as my substitute teacher to close the knowledge gaps that remained in the transition from Grad School to Real Work; looked through the work of others who came before me to get a flavor for what 'good' looked like; and worked into the wee hours of the morning to put it all together.

I wanted to over-deliver and exceed expectations. But while I worked overtime, my boss heard silence coming from my direction. And that quiet... that gaping void in communication, unfortunately did more harm than good. In the absence of news, we human beings have evolved to fill the gaps. We unconsciously fill the gaps with whatever makes the most sense to us so that we can move on and deal with more important things. In my case, my silence led my boss to fill the gap with the belief that I really did have it all covered, because (she assumed), if I needed help, I would have come to her.

As our feedback session continued, she went on to explain how important it was to overcome the fear of asking for help; and that the first step was to change my view of it from a sign of weakness to a show of courage; and that the MAGIC was in being able to find the right way to communicate the need for help.

So rather than just saying, "I need help," the key was to do it (1) during the first point of contact in order to clarify hypotheses, concerns, risks, deadlines and any other areas of ambiguity before running off to do the work, and (2) at appropriate intervals during the actual work to informally-check in on progress so that helpful guidance could be given. More than helping to set expectations and reduce the chances of disappointment upon delivery of the work, doing these things would help to foster trust, build credibility and enhance the feelings of collaboration and teamwork critical to my standing on the team, and ultimately my career.

Luckily for me, this experience and the above lessons which came from it, were well-contained: it occurred on the early side of my career; was oriented around my first project; my 'requester' was my manager; and said manager was a caring female leader in the company who saw potential in me and always took the time to coach me on the softer, more nuanced side of leadership. I am thankful that I was in a safe space to fail and learn quickly.

Now I recognize that having this 'safe space to fail' is a bit of a luxury. I also understand that many managers simply do not have the patience for, the inclination towards, or capacity for this kind of coaching. So if I can offer up any advice to those who are early in career, stressed out about delivering excellent work, but also struggling to make progress: it would be to ask for help. You may feel extremely nervous about admitting that you don't know, or are confused - but if you've taken steps, any steps at all, to try to tackle the challenge (looking through the presentation that you were emailed counts! talking to a colleague to get their thoughts also counts!) you're off to a strong start.

Thoughts on how to confidently ask for help

Try communicating that you've "made some inroads, but have a question" or that you'd "like to set up time to ask a few questions to ensure that you're on the right path" or that you have "some ideas on how to tackle the challenge but wanted to get feedback on them."

But whatever you do, try not sit silently at your desk until the nth hour, or plowing away on a task in the wrong direction only to learn that you've been off course when it's too late. Ask for help, be humble, then overdeliver.

Go ahead. Give it a try. It's worth the shot.

What happens when you find the courage to speak up, then no one listens

Even though it happened many years ago, my first public belittling is a memory that, when recalled, causes my chest to seize up and my heart to race like I am experiencing the whole dreadful thing all over again.

I had been blessed with a gem of a manager who had been an exceptional first coach and mentor, and had been given the freedom to share my thoughts in any forum because I was told that there was value in my unique perspective, and that I was valued as well. I had no problem doing this in meetings, perhaps because people and conversation did not scare me, but I found it difficult to start doing this in writing.

In the written form, an impression of my voice, or a manifestation of my 'voice' would remain indelibly, I would have no knowledge of whether the message was ever actually received, no ability to clarify if my thoughts were vague or unclear, and no control over how my words would be interpreted. To top it off, I also did not know what point-of-view (because I had many) would be most interesting for me to spend time writing about and also be appreciated by the reader. So I stalled, I made excuses only I knew about, I focused on tackling other things on my work to-do list and put the whole 'share your point of view on a meaty topic' thing on the back-burner until some event (and sadly I don't recall what the exact impetus was) created a space and time for my thoughts to flow. So I went for it.

The topic must have carried some importance or meaning to me at the time - I vaguely remember it having to do with the elements of a strong new product concept - and maybe there was also a lot of circuitous debate going on around me about said topic that seemed to be never-ending and therefore negatively affecting my ability to do good work. I must have spent a couple hours typing up a summary of my perspective because by then I had lots to say, and then another two and a half hours obsessing thinking about the best email subject line to increase the chances that the message would at least get opened and hopefully read. I was crazy nervous when I finally hit the send button, but mostly content and relieved. I'd accomplished something that I'd wanted to do, given full support to pursue, and would push me further along the road to being even more fully present, fully myself, in all aspects of my work.

I tried to move on to other tasks after that. It was just the beginning of the day and there was lots still to do. But I was dealing with a complex mix of new emotions as a professional; pride, fear, excitement, worry, hope - and was distracted for most of my remaining engagements.

In one of our many epic one-one-one check in meetings that almost always inevitably turned into a coaching session (which I loved!), my manager explained that the main purpose of sharing these perspectives was to get people to think about a topic in a new way so that the resultant conversations which needed to happen to move an initiative forward were enriched and ultimately, better decisions could be made. She also cautioned that we should never, ever do it for the response.

If you attach yourself and your emotions to the outcome, you'll find yourself feeling disappointed more often than not. Do it because you believe that it is the right thing to do and the team would benefit from having this information, bolstered by your thoughts.

Still, it was MY first time, and I was very much attached to the outcome. I absolutely wanted a response from someone...anyone... and I wanted it to be positive. A validation of my smarts and my bravery.

So when that response came in the form of a single sentence (which I paraphrase here because I have long deleted the correspondence and don't recall the exact subject of the POV) - "Thanks for sharing, but I'm not a fan of this approach" - I was devastated. Not crying on the floor unable to function devastated, but I was deeply disappointed and, to be honest, also a little hurt. In retrospect, the sender of that email, who was far more senior and had years and years of experience managing people and working in teams, could and should have displayed more empathy in responding to me. But I had no control over her reaction at the time and don't want to digress into the topic of empathic leadership here.

None of us have control over anyone's reactions to us and what we do. The only thing we have any control over is ourselves, how we condition ourselves to react to different situations, how we channel the emotions, and how we transform negative energy into positive energy... because negative energy is a huge waste.

Fast forward to today. Being able to articulate my thoughts in spoken or written word is not an act of bravery, nor is it something that I have to think about or prepare to do. Years of practice, coaching, a naturally feisty personality and a curious mind have made the act of sharing my perspective an almost thrilling experience. It gives me energy. But I would be lying to you if I said that criticism or dismissal of my thoughts in public forums (something that still happens to me, perhaps a little less frequently than before as I've learned to bring more nuance to how and when and to whom I share my thoughts) didn't hit me straight in the gut and for an instant, make me feel slightly less than.

It's okay though, because the feeling passes even more quickly than it took to type that last sentence, and I remind myself why I shared my thoughts in the first place (because I believed what I had to say was important and would help open people's eyes to a new perspective), I thank the person for their thoughts because they too, were courageous in sharing their dissent which also adds to everyone else's thoughts and to the broader conversation, and give myself a big, secret, internal hug for being vulnerably courageous.

If you're at the beginning of your own journey in finding the confidence to find your voice, check out this earlier post in which I share some of my experiences and thoughts on how to take the first step.

If you've found your voice and have experienced a dismissal of your thoughts, I'm curious about how you processed it and your thoughts on how to move on. Please share in the comments section below.

Why your non-conventional background could be helpful in your career

You thought that no one would care and that only your academic and professional achievements would matter. You convinced yourself that spending any amount of time elaborating on your foray into the arts world after college would be a distraction during the interview. You were afraid that you might be judged for having pursued a creative path full-time. Little did you know that this was the secret sauce that would set you apart and help you stand out in a sea of sameness.

I've had the chance to review hundreds of résumés and interview all manner of candidate over my career, and have been struck by how many people fail to integrate their artsy non-conventional pasts into the telling of their background stories. While the job may not call out a creative past as a prerequisite, it's important (and potentially game-changing) to talk about how your diverse experiences have helped shaped the person you are today and why that makes you especially equipped to be able to bring a fresh perspective to conversations that can shape the trajectory of the business.

I understand how much like competitive sports the task of applying for jobs has become. The experience is insanely stressful, made even more so in an age of technology. The supply of available jobs has been made more visible thanks to platforms like LinkedIn, the anguish of slow progress is exacerbated as each job posting can receive an abundance of applications that takes a long period for the poster to go through, and for the lucky few who make it through to the end, social media offers a platform for celebration that makes the others still on the hunt feel further behind the pack than they really are.

But if you have been lucky enough to make it past the initial phone screen to an in-person on telephone / video conference interview, you can breathe a sigh of relief because you have met the basic qualifications for the role. The expectation in the next round is that you show the interviewing team why you, above anyone else, should be their final selection.

While your ability to interview well does influence the interviewers' perception of what you bring to the table, a good interviewer should be able to parse this out of the equation and focus on you, your unique capabilities and strengths, so that he/she can assess whether you will thrive in the role and be an asset to the team.

So when asked to tell the interviewer about yourself, resist the urge to rehash every detail of your résumé and schooling.

You have only 30 or 45 minutes to convince this person that you're worth progressing to the next round so try to paint a picture of who you really are, what you care about, and why your collection of life experiences make you best suited for the job. And if you have a passion or a hobby that is creative in nature, talk about how that has helped you think, feel or act in a way that has brought tangible value to the teams on which, and people with whom you have worked. Trust me, it will leave a memorable impression that may just be the thing that pushes you closer towards clinching the top spot.

How have you, or someone you have interviewed, brought to life your creative side to interviewers in a compelling way?