My Gratitude Practice
In the middle of last year, I set an intention to manifest a change in my life. I bought a small journal, and on the first page, I penned a letter to my future self, visualizing what I felt I needed to STOP and START doing in order to see that change come to fruition.
This practice of reflecting on paper quickly became habitual. It was also surprisingly therapeutic and nourishing: like exercise for my mind and food for my soul. I was excited that I'd discovered this new outlet to process the feelings of hope, frustration and fear that were constantly emerging because of this desire that I'd manifested.
When I experienced setbacks and slumps, the journal was a real lifesaver. I'd write to remind myself of my mother's mantras, celebrate even the tiniest of 'wins', and acknowledge that the tension I was feeling was a good thing: because this tension - this 'struggle,' really - was a sign that I was striving for something better.
"All striving comes from lack, from a dissatisfaction with one's condition, and is thus suffering as long as it is not satisfied; but no satisfaction is lasting; instead, it is only the beginning of a new striving. We see striving everywhere inhibited in many ways, struggling everywhere; and thus always suffering; there is no final goal of striving, and therefore no bounds or end to suffering."
Arthur Schopenhauer (German Philosopher), The World as Will and Representation, Vol. 1
Since that first future-self letter, I've continued to turn to my journal, not always every day but with decent regularity, to reflect on the things that I am grateful for - big and small. And when I don't get to the journal (especially on the weekends when being fully available for my family takes precedent or laziness washes over me), I have fun just shouting out things I'm grateful for with my kids. Things like: "We love you TREES! We are grateful that you are here and you have leaves on you now that it is Spring. Thank you for being so green and beautiful!" that seem silly, but are true reflections of how we really feel and also help to fill our home with a lighthearted positivity that lasts until Monday.
Now I know that this whole gratitude practice / journaling thing is not for everyone. For instance, if you're working through extremely painful or complex issues, expressing gratitude alone may not be a sufficient or satisfying solution - neither if you simply don't enjoy writing, nor if you're already where you want to be in life... you get the point. But if you're working towards a clear goal and want to find more appreciation for, and enjoyment in the process of working towards that goal, then it doesn't hurt to give it a try.
- Helpful Resource: I follow @commandinglife on Instagram because I like their inspirational daily quotes, but they also sell a daily inspirational journal that gives you the tools to get into the practice more easily.
So What Am I Grateful For?
After learning of Brene Brown's TGIF | A Weekly Gratitude Practice, I was inspired to start sharing some of the things that I am grateful for on this forum as well.
But not in this post... not yet.
I don't plan on sharing everything that I'm grateful for everyday because for me it's important that some things in life remain personal. Plus, I'm sure that you will get bored.
So sharing a summary of my week's highlights on Fridays seems like a good place to start. I'm excited to see how it goes, and hope to hear from you on your week's highlights as well.
Stay tuned!
Hello Everyone. My name is ___ and I am a recovering perfectionist
"Close your eyes! Open your hands, Mummy!" demanded my 6 year old daughter one Saturday morning as she eagerly shared another one of her precious works of art. She had been silently toiling away at it in her room for over an hour.
"Okay. Now, open them!" ... "I made this for you. Do you like it?" I smiled knowingly, slowly opened my eyes and excitedly exclaimed [like it was the first time this scene was being played out], "Oh, thank you darling! It is absolutely goooorrggeeouus!"
Without trying to break my smile, I snuck a quick glance down at her multi-colored fingers and palms, and then at the floor where a trail of itty bitty pieces of paper and glitter lay in her path. I breathed deeply and quietly reminded myself: It's the weekend, Nikkia; let her have her fun; remember it's about finding joy in the DOING; embrace the chaos.
Seeming to sense my struggle to keep things positive, she added empathetically: "Mummy, you don't have to worry about all of this. Remember, I am an artist, and sometimes artists have to make mess in order to create!" I was equal parts shocked at the maturity of her words AND inspired by how quickly the student was becoming the teacher. But mostly, I was super duper proud.
It is wonderful that she has found an outlet to express herself, without inhibition, at such a young age. And I admire that she sees so much beauty in imperfection (or rather, what the world has taught us to view as imperfect). Where others see drawing outlines as a clear indication of where color should begin and stop, she sees mere suggestions that need not be taken too seriously.
I feel slightly ashamed to admit this. But the truth is that in my daughter's early coloring days, my instinct was to say "nice job sweetie pie, but, see those lines? Let's try to color inside of them next time." Of course I didn't say this outloud. But I thought it, and that was enough for me to feel like I was doing a lousy job at embracing my daughter for who she was and nurturing her natural talents.
It was clear that I needed to work on myself and my perfectionist mindset before I could willingly accept the clutter, the fingerprints on the walls and the general chaos. I had to let go of my desire to want her to want order, neatness and perfection (read: be more like me).
My perfectionist tendencies went way back. It was a quality that was nurtured in me as a child and rewarded in school. It helped me remain focused and resilient after I'd graduated from university and then again, business school and desperately in search of a job.
I was the person who would look at an email endlessly to make sure that it was perfect before hitting the send button. And even after sending it out, I'd re-read it, then get angry at myself if I noticed a mistake that I did not catch before sending it out. And when a presentation was finished, I'd spend hours making it look like a consultant's presentation; fixating on font and formatting and slide titles like the future of the business depended on it. It was excruciating and time-sucking, but it also secretly made me very happy to do these things.
It took a near burnout for me to realize that striving for perfection not only stressed me out unnecessarily, but also made me look like a control freak who didn't know how to prioritize. A close friend recognized my patterns and was eager to share a road-tested solution with me. She knew that I was a junkie for constructive feedback and would want to "win" at implementing this. I am so happy that she shared this, because I've been passing it along to others ever since.
She said that I could relax to my standards to about 80% because, for many folks, my 80% looked pretty damn close to 100%. The value of that remaining 20% was almost non-existent. It may have made ME feel good, but it took time and energy to get there and was not seen to offer any substantial value over and above the 80%.
So I slowly started pulling back to test the waters. And you know what? No. One. Noticed. A. Difference. Not a soul.
- I did not get called out for sending emails with typos or presentations with wonky formatting. The message was received and understood.
- Something kind of strange also started happening. The more I shared my 60% or 80% finished work with my partners, the more involved they began to feel in my work and the easier it was for them to provide helpful feedback. It was as though showing NON-perfect work was a show of how comfortable and confident as I was in my work.
- Of course, if I was dealing with a priority project or communicating with a person or a group that were very high up in the pecking order, I buttoned up and gave 100% and spent that extra time where I needed to.
Today, I am proud to say that I am a recovering perfectionist. I prioritize where I need to put more focus and spend more time and where I can afford to do less - at home AND at work. And when I start slipping back into old habits, I think of my daughter's approach to her art and remind myself to let go and not take things so seriously.
So tell me, do you consider yourself a perfectionist or a recovering perfectionist? How has that affected the way you work - positively and negatively. Feel free to share your thoughts / stories in the comments section below.
What happens when you find the courage to speak up, then no one listens
Even though it happened many years ago, my first public belittling is a memory that, when recalled, causes my chest to seize up and my heart to race like I am experiencing the whole dreadful thing all over again.
I had been blessed with a gem of a manager who had been an exceptional first coach and mentor, and had been given the freedom to share my thoughts in any forum because I was told that there was value in my unique perspective, and that I was valued as well. I had no problem doing this in meetings, perhaps because people and conversation did not scare me, but I found it difficult to start doing this in writing.
In the written form, an impression of my voice, or a manifestation of my 'voice' would remain indelibly, I would have no knowledge of whether the message was ever actually received, no ability to clarify if my thoughts were vague or unclear, and no control over how my words would be interpreted. To top it off, I also did not know what point-of-view (because I had many) would be most interesting for me to spend time writing about and also be appreciated by the reader. So I stalled, I made excuses only I knew about, I focused on tackling other things on my work to-do list and put the whole 'share your point of view on a meaty topic' thing on the back-burner until some event (and sadly I don't recall what the exact impetus was) created a space and time for my thoughts to flow. So I went for it.
The topic must have carried some importance or meaning to me at the time - I vaguely remember it having to do with the elements of a strong new product concept - and maybe there was also a lot of circuitous debate going on around me about said topic that seemed to be never-ending and therefore negatively affecting my ability to do good work. I must have spent a couple hours typing up a summary of my perspective because by then I had lots to say, and then another two and a half hours obsessing thinking about the best email subject line to increase the chances that the message would at least get opened and hopefully read. I was crazy nervous when I finally hit the send button, but mostly content and relieved. I'd accomplished something that I'd wanted to do, given full support to pursue, and would push me further along the road to being even more fully present, fully myself, in all aspects of my work.
I tried to move on to other tasks after that. It was just the beginning of the day and there was lots still to do. But I was dealing with a complex mix of new emotions as a professional; pride, fear, excitement, worry, hope - and was distracted for most of my remaining engagements.
In one of our many epic one-one-one check in meetings that almost always inevitably turned into a coaching session (which I loved!), my manager explained that the main purpose of sharing these perspectives was to get people to think about a topic in a new way so that the resultant conversations which needed to happen to move an initiative forward were enriched and ultimately, better decisions could be made. She also cautioned that we should never, ever do it for the response.
If you attach yourself and your emotions to the outcome, you'll find yourself feeling disappointed more often than not. Do it because you believe that it is the right thing to do and the team would benefit from having this information, bolstered by your thoughts.
Still, it was MY first time, and I was very much attached to the outcome. I absolutely wanted a response from someone...anyone... and I wanted it to be positive. A validation of my smarts and my bravery.
So when that response came in the form of a single sentence (which I paraphrase here because I have long deleted the correspondence and don't recall the exact subject of the POV) - "Thanks for sharing, but I'm not a fan of this approach" - I was devastated. Not crying on the floor unable to function devastated, but I was deeply disappointed and, to be honest, also a little hurt. In retrospect, the sender of that email, who was far more senior and had years and years of experience managing people and working in teams, could and should have displayed more empathy in responding to me. But I had no control over her reaction at the time and don't want to digress into the topic of empathic leadership here.
None of us have control over anyone's reactions to us and what we do. The only thing we have any control over is ourselves, how we condition ourselves to react to different situations, how we channel the emotions, and how we transform negative energy into positive energy... because negative energy is a huge waste.
Fast forward to today. Being able to articulate my thoughts in spoken or written word is not an act of bravery, nor is it something that I have to think about or prepare to do. Years of practice, coaching, a naturally feisty personality and a curious mind have made the act of sharing my perspective an almost thrilling experience. It gives me energy. But I would be lying to you if I said that criticism or dismissal of my thoughts in public forums (something that still happens to me, perhaps a little less frequently than before as I've learned to bring more nuance to how and when and to whom I share my thoughts) didn't hit me straight in the gut and for an instant, make me feel slightly less than.
It's okay though, because the feeling passes even more quickly than it took to type that last sentence, and I remind myself why I shared my thoughts in the first place (because I believed what I had to say was important and would help open people's eyes to a new perspective), I thank the person for their thoughts because they too, were courageous in sharing their dissent which also adds to everyone else's thoughts and to the broader conversation, and give myself a big, secret, internal hug for being vulnerably courageous.
If you're at the beginning of your own journey in finding the confidence to find your voice, check out this earlier post in which I share some of my experiences and thoughts on how to take the first step.
If you've found your voice and have experienced a dismissal of your thoughts, I'm curious about how you processed it and your thoughts on how to move on. Please share in the comments section below.
It's OK to Introduce Your Coworkers to 'Weekend You'
How different is the Weekday You from Weekend You? If you've crafted a unique persona for the office to deal with the demands of work or to better fit in with your company's culture, you're not alone.
I once worked with a young woman who confided in me about having created two very distinct identities - a professional and polite weekday persona, and a political and social activist weekend persona - which she went to great extents not to mix.
I asked her why she kept her lives so separate, and was struck by the conviction she expressed in explaining why cultivating and maintaining a weekday character - one that was extremely subdued, smiling and compliant - was essential to her survival in Corporate America. I understand why she felt the need to make microscopic adjustments to how she 'showed up' at work in order to survive her different professional experiences, but couldn't relate to some of the more extreme measures she had chosen to take to conceal her true personality.
So I talked to more people who felt similarly to better understand why they felt that they had no choice but to hide from office-view, the versions of themselves that only family and friends had the joy of experiencing - their Weekend selves. The reasons given were extremely nuanced and complicated, so I've tried to extract from their stories the most common themes:
- There are right and wrong ways to present yourself - or at least this is how you feel when you are given subtle messages every day that suggest this to be true, depending on the culture of the company or team that you've found yourself in. Everything from the way the majority dresses to the topics of conversation at the lunch table, cue what is acceptable and unacceptable in implicit ways.
- It pays to change because non-conformity can affect your pocket. Sometimes the retaliation you fear will come to you when you share anything personal about yourself, is financial in nature. It may manifest as the absence of, or reduction in, some monetary incentive that you were expecting, and your gut tells you that this did not result from poor performance (although you don't have any tangible proof). Unfortunately, for many of us, this is too much of a risk to take.
- Fear of being judged. This is one of the more prevalent underlying reasons for not revealing our Weekend personas to our co-workers. Oftentimes, 'being yourself' or being 'authentic' sound more like cute catchphrases - nice to utter, but few understand what the terms really mean or how to approach it... and even fewer actually put authenticity into daily practice. So we end up being starved for real-life examples of people (above and around us) who bring their whole selves to work while still being successful. And so we're left with a lingering question - if no one else is shedding their superhero mask at the office, then why should I?
- You were taught that concealing your true self is a prerequisite for success. And this is the toughest one because as adults, the hardest beliefs and attitudes to undo, are the ones that were handed down to us by our elders when we were children.
But being yourself at work doesn't have to be a binary concept.
Although going all the way to having split personalities doesn't seem like the right way to go because of all the emotional energy that one has to use to maintain two distinct personas (think about how stressful it is to keep a secret about yourself from someone you see every day), I recognize that if you haven't been practicing being fully yourself at work for a long time, then making an abrupt change can seem like an enormous task. So why not start slowly and take some baby steps?
- Reveal something about yourself to a co-worker you trust. ...nothing too personal if you're not comfortable or a solid and trust-worthy working relationship has not yet been established. It could be as simple as sharing a little insight into what you like to do when you're not working. Start there and see where it goes.
- Try dressing a wee bit more like your weekend self at work. ...nothing drastic if you're not into this or are already feeling very much like yourself in your work attire. But if you feel like you have to put on a straight jacket every day of the week, and that translates into an outside-in transformation that you'd like to revert, then (within reason) try literally loosening up a bit if you can. Lose the tie! Add some color! Wear those comfy flats! (Ladies, check out Corporette for some fashion ideas that straddle the worlds of uber corporate and weekend chic.)
- Find an office inspiration. Be on the lookout for someone at work who looks like they've already got things figured out. Well not ALL things, but at least this tricky idea of bringing your whole self to work ... and invite them out to tea/coffee to ask them how they managed to pull it off.
If you have more tips to share based on your own experience, I would love for you to share them here. [Please comment below.]
Also, I'm so FAR from being an expert on the topic and am only seeking to help by sharing my own thoughts and experiences. So please check out Brené Brown's inspiring TED Talk on The Power of Vulnerability to learn more about why it's better to bring your true 'Weekend Self' to work every day from an expert who has studied the topic and spoken prolifically about it over the years.
I wanted to make a change in my life but couldn't until I put it out into the universe
"Never settle for the things that you think are impossible to attain...and never take no for an answer. Do it right now." -
Back in early 2017, after many months of reflection and soul-searching, I finally admitted first to myself in the form of a prolific journal entry, and then out loud to my husband one night after we'd put the kids to bed and were enjoying a cool glass of white wine, that I was ready for a change.
I recall saying something like, "It's time for me to go and I am serious this time." After 15 years together, in some ways, he knows parts of me better than I know myself, so his response was typical - he shrugged as if to say, "No surprise there, babe. Now what are you going to do about it?" He's my biggest cheerleader by the way, so don't let the shrug fool you. I then took my second small step when I confided in one of my mentors. She too shrugged, but also shared some words of support, delivered with a heavy dose of pragmatic Queens, New York realness. Every time I've shared this insight with someone else, it's felt good. And good vibes are addictive so I haven't sharing and moving forward since.
I may not know when the dream will materialize, but I sure can feel the progress every time I stop to reflect and express gratitude inside of each day. I am eternally grateful for that tiny first step because it set in motion a multitude of mental and emotional adjustments that have continued to yield more and more goodness in my life... wonderful things that I am SO exceptionally grateful for that I sometimes forget about the dream because it feels like I am already in one.