The Intoxication of Feedback
Feedback is like a drug to me, and I've been a junkie for it all of my working life. Not just the nice, 'you've done a good job' kind of feedback, but more of the 'here's what you can do better' variety that gives me something tangible to munch on.
Maybe it's because I never had the kind of enviable confidence that some people have. The kind of confidence that makes them feel like they are always right. The kind of confidence that, like a security blanket or better yet, a protective shield, makes it difficult for any kind of criticism to seep through.
Or maybe it's because I think that I'm destined to forever be a runner-up, never in first place, kind of woman, and so there's always room to do more work to be an even better version of myself. Whatever the reason, it's left me hungry to understand what I can improve, and therefore always very receptive to feedback.
Among the best feedback I have ever received, the piece of advice that remains with me to this day, had to do with my posture during meetings. YES, my posture of all things. Specifically, to not let my shoulders fall during challenging or heated conversations in which my ideas were being built upon (stolen?) and someone else was receiving the full credit.
I was very early in my career when I received this gem of advice - super green on the job, but full of thoughts about how to solve problems creatively, intuition about business, and enthusiasm to contribute. I wasn't afraid to contribute openly in discussions with very senior people. But I was unaccustomed to the politics and the competitive dynamics in a hierarchical environment. I had loads of potential, but my delivery needed pruning.
A typical day involved many meetings with peers across different functional departments and senior leaders who were ultimately there to be appealed to with compelling arguments. The meetings were like a theatre - a Broadway play with a cast of characters who rotated across the same roles.
The narcissist was my favorite role to observe. This person not only had the most air time in every meeting, but also found a way to take credit for all of the good ideas, including mine. And the resultant praise that would be directed in the narcissist's direction would plant seeds of doubt and uncertainty in my mind and apparently, also on my face and in my shoulders.
So when I received this amazingly pointed feedback, I was so thankful. I am indeed an extremely animated in person. Even when I am not speaking, I am speaking. I listen and react to others with my whole body. So the feedback was clearly for me - it was based in accurate observation, was insightful, and specific, and doled out in a careful manner that balanced softness with brutal honesty.
Immediately after that conversation, I became hyper aware of my body language and facial expressions during meetings. I had to act-as-if I was not affected when my ideas were being retold by another, because the truth is, I did feel a sting of hurt and at the time, was still inexperienced in the art of advocating for myself.
I wondered then, as I often do now, about the many people who never have the blessing of experiencing this kind of compassionate feedback and lament at what a missed opportunity that is.
So if or when you have the opportunity to coach or mentor someone and want to help them develop in a certain area by sharing feedback, consider the following tips to do so carefully and effectively.
- Be specific. The worst kind of feedback, is vague or generic feedback that does not pinpoint specific examples of the behavior or issue you'd like the individual to address. Statements like, "good job" or "you should prioritize better" don't help to narrow down the things that are working well and should be maintained, or not working well and need to be adjusted. However, qualifying statements like, "good job on delivering a very clear, concise and compelling presentation. The way you visualized the story helped bring the audience along." can go much further to motivate and also clarify expectations around what good looks like in the future. The same clarity goes when giving constructive feedback.
- Give examples. If the feedback is related to a particular behavior, it is helpful to make note of specific examples of when the behavior was observed so that these can be recalled when giving feedback. It will bring the receiver back to the moment and what was going on - all context that makes the feedback become internalized in more lasting ways than in the absence of specific examples.
- Be timely. Never wait too long before giving feedback. The more distance between the moment a behavior is observed and the moment that feedback is received, the more challenging the conversation can become.
- Be empathetic. Try to find a time and space that works for the person with whom you are going to speak. You don't want them to feel cornered or caught off guard. Ask them whether they are open to receiving feedback. And only if they say yes, should you proceed to share your thoughts.
Feel free to share your own experiences with giving and receiving feedback in the comments section below. We'd love to hear.
I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up
I grew up around friends who knew what they wanted to be. I, on the other hand, had no clue. While I didn't feel too terrible about it, I did feel like I was missing out on something communal. To get in on the action, I either needed to (1) discover exactly what I wanted to be, or (2) at least know what to say when I was asked the question: "What do YOU want to be when you grow up?" I chose to do the latter.
Fortunately, I was surrounded by cues on what would be acceptable to say. There were the books in my Early Readers series that told stories of mummies and daddies who worked in hospitals and schools and offices, doing important things all day while their kids were at school. There were the 'let's-pretend-we're-grownups' games played during recess that allowed me to try out different roles. But perhaps the most overt signals came from the adults around me whose palpable excitement could not be contained when a child exclaimed "Doctor!" "Lawyer!" "Astronaut" or "President!" in response to that taxing question.
So when I turned 6, I decided on [DRUM ROLL] ... Doctor. It wasn't what I necessarily wanted to BE, but it was what I had decided to say: it was a frontrunner in all the above scenarios; and adults seemed to adore the idea. So I kept the ruse going well into early adolescence.
But by 15, my genuine disinterest in medicine revealed itself. I found my Biology and Chemistry classes to be interesting, but more tedious than I had patience to tolerate. I loved applying myself and was never one to shy away from my studies, but this felt different. The work didn't feel worth it.
I don't recall telling my mother that I no longer wanted to be a doctor, but I must have, because at some point, I switched into the subjects of Business and Spanish and she raised no memorable objection. But inside, I was a bit confused: I still felt the same pressure to narrow in on a set of subjects that would be the foundation of a future profession, yet had no natural inclination towards any particular area. Well, except for dance. I wanted to be a dancer. But that was not going to happen. Subject for another post.
So I stayed the course with Business and Spanish and went on to major (naturally) in International Business at University. The passion still had not emerged, and I had no idea where inside that field I would want to land, but I ploughed away. I continued ploughing away through Business School all the way to my first corporate job... and that's when, with the help of caring coaches, exceptional managers and empathetic mentors, I began to uncover some truths about myself and nuggets of wisdom that continue to propel me forward in life.
- It's okay to not know what you want to do when you grow up. Not having a clearly defined vision of a final professional end state made it easy for me to say yes to new opportunities. I probably would not be where I am today if it wasn't for this mindset.
- Understand what you like to do inside of your job, then find ways to do more of it. Early on in my career, I recall feeling extremely anxious about my future. Although I was doing well in my job, I felt like a fraud because in my mind, I was destined to be doing other things with my life (like dancing! or running a small business!) and my new reality was inconsistent with this vision I had for myself. With the help of my then Life Coach, I was able to understand and embrace the fact that there were elements of the work that I truly enjoyed - problem solving, working on a team, storytelling, etc. - because they were strengths transferred from my former life as a professional dancer. These became some of my 'must haves' as I moved into new roles.
- You don't have to end up where you started. Whether it's a new opportunity inside your current company, a cross-functional assignment, a change of company, a side hustle on top of your day job, or a return to education to enter an entirely new field, you have the power to mix things up, experiment and make changes in your life. It is never too late to start something new - you can have as many acts in life as you desire.
So tell me... when you were younger, did you have a clear picture of what you wanted to be doing when you grew up? Are you doing it, or has life taken you onto other paths which you had not initially imagined for yourself?
My Gratitude Practice
In the middle of last year, I set an intention to manifest a change in my life. I bought a small journal, and on the first page, I penned a letter to my future self, visualizing what I felt I needed to STOP and START doing in order to see that change come to fruition.
This practice of reflecting on paper quickly became habitual. It was also surprisingly therapeutic and nourishing: like exercise for my mind and food for my soul. I was excited that I'd discovered this new outlet to process the feelings of hope, frustration and fear that were constantly emerging because of this desire that I'd manifested.
When I experienced setbacks and slumps, the journal was a real lifesaver. I'd write to remind myself of my mother's mantras, celebrate even the tiniest of 'wins', and acknowledge that the tension I was feeling was a good thing: because this tension - this 'struggle,' really - was a sign that I was striving for something better.
"All striving comes from lack, from a dissatisfaction with one's condition, and is thus suffering as long as it is not satisfied; but no satisfaction is lasting; instead, it is only the beginning of a new striving. We see striving everywhere inhibited in many ways, struggling everywhere; and thus always suffering; there is no final goal of striving, and therefore no bounds or end to suffering."
Arthur Schopenhauer (German Philosopher), The World as Will and Representation, Vol. 1
Since that first future-self letter, I've continued to turn to my journal, not always every day but with decent regularity, to reflect on the things that I am grateful for - big and small. And when I don't get to the journal (especially on the weekends when being fully available for my family takes precedent or laziness washes over me), I have fun just shouting out things I'm grateful for with my kids. Things like: "We love you TREES! We are grateful that you are here and you have leaves on you now that it is Spring. Thank you for being so green and beautiful!" that seem silly, but are true reflections of how we really feel and also help to fill our home with a lighthearted positivity that lasts until Monday.
Now I know that this whole gratitude practice / journaling thing is not for everyone. For instance, if you're working through extremely painful or complex issues, expressing gratitude alone may not be a sufficient or satisfying solution - neither if you simply don't enjoy writing, nor if you're already where you want to be in life... you get the point. But if you're working towards a clear goal and want to find more appreciation for, and enjoyment in the process of working towards that goal, then it doesn't hurt to give it a try.
- Helpful Resource: I follow @commandinglife on Instagram because I like their inspirational daily quotes, but they also sell a daily inspirational journal that gives you the tools to get into the practice more easily.
So What Am I Grateful For?
After learning of Brene Brown's TGIF | A Weekly Gratitude Practice, I was inspired to start sharing some of the things that I am grateful for on this forum as well.
But not in this post... not yet.
I don't plan on sharing everything that I'm grateful for everyday because for me it's important that some things in life remain personal. Plus, I'm sure that you will get bored.
So sharing a summary of my week's highlights on Fridays seems like a good place to start. I'm excited to see how it goes, and hope to hear from you on your week's highlights as well.
Stay tuned!
Hello Everyone. My name is ___ and I am a recovering perfectionist
"Close your eyes! Open your hands, Mummy!" demanded my 6 year old daughter one Saturday morning as she eagerly shared another one of her precious works of art. She had been silently toiling away at it in her room for over an hour.
"Okay. Now, open them!" ... "I made this for you. Do you like it?" I smiled knowingly, slowly opened my eyes and excitedly exclaimed [like it was the first time this scene was being played out], "Oh, thank you darling! It is absolutely goooorrggeeouus!"
Without trying to break my smile, I snuck a quick glance down at her multi-colored fingers and palms, and then at the floor where a trail of itty bitty pieces of paper and glitter lay in her path. I breathed deeply and quietly reminded myself: It's the weekend, Nikkia; let her have her fun; remember it's about finding joy in the DOING; embrace the chaos.
Seeming to sense my struggle to keep things positive, she added empathetically: "Mummy, you don't have to worry about all of this. Remember, I am an artist, and sometimes artists have to make mess in order to create!" I was equal parts shocked at the maturity of her words AND inspired by how quickly the student was becoming the teacher. But mostly, I was super duper proud.
It is wonderful that she has found an outlet to express herself, without inhibition, at such a young age. And I admire that she sees so much beauty in imperfection (or rather, what the world has taught us to view as imperfect). Where others see drawing outlines as a clear indication of where color should begin and stop, she sees mere suggestions that need not be taken too seriously.
I feel slightly ashamed to admit this. But the truth is that in my daughter's early coloring days, my instinct was to say "nice job sweetie pie, but, see those lines? Let's try to color inside of them next time." Of course I didn't say this outloud. But I thought it, and that was enough for me to feel like I was doing a lousy job at embracing my daughter for who she was and nurturing her natural talents.
It was clear that I needed to work on myself and my perfectionist mindset before I could willingly accept the clutter, the fingerprints on the walls and the general chaos. I had to let go of my desire to want her to want order, neatness and perfection (read: be more like me).
My perfectionist tendencies went way back. It was a quality that was nurtured in me as a child and rewarded in school. It helped me remain focused and resilient after I'd graduated from university and then again, business school and desperately in search of a job.
I was the person who would look at an email endlessly to make sure that it was perfect before hitting the send button. And even after sending it out, I'd re-read it, then get angry at myself if I noticed a mistake that I did not catch before sending it out. And when a presentation was finished, I'd spend hours making it look like a consultant's presentation; fixating on font and formatting and slide titles like the future of the business depended on it. It was excruciating and time-sucking, but it also secretly made me very happy to do these things.
It took a near burnout for me to realize that striving for perfection not only stressed me out unnecessarily, but also made me look like a control freak who didn't know how to prioritize. A close friend recognized my patterns and was eager to share a road-tested solution with me. She knew that I was a junkie for constructive feedback and would want to "win" at implementing this. I am so happy that she shared this, because I've been passing it along to others ever since.
She said that I could relax to my standards to about 80% because, for many folks, my 80% looked pretty damn close to 100%. The value of that remaining 20% was almost non-existent. It may have made ME feel good, but it took time and energy to get there and was not seen to offer any substantial value over and above the 80%.
So I slowly started pulling back to test the waters. And you know what? No. One. Noticed. A. Difference. Not a soul.
- I did not get called out for sending emails with typos or presentations with wonky formatting. The message was received and understood.
- Something kind of strange also started happening. The more I shared my 60% or 80% finished work with my partners, the more involved they began to feel in my work and the easier it was for them to provide helpful feedback. It was as though showing NON-perfect work was a show of how comfortable and confident as I was in my work.
- Of course, if I was dealing with a priority project or communicating with a person or a group that were very high up in the pecking order, I buttoned up and gave 100% and spent that extra time where I needed to.
Today, I am proud to say that I am a recovering perfectionist. I prioritize where I need to put more focus and spend more time and where I can afford to do less - at home AND at work. And when I start slipping back into old habits, I think of my daughter's approach to her art and remind myself to let go and not take things so seriously.
So tell me, do you consider yourself a perfectionist or a recovering perfectionist? How has that affected the way you work - positively and negatively. Feel free to share your thoughts / stories in the comments section below.
Corporate underdogs and eclectics, rejoice in your strangeness!
Have you ever found yourself in that awkward situation where you show up to an event, enter a room in which everyone seems to have already spent an unnatural amount of time getting acquainted, and suddenly discover that everyone is wearing nearly identical outfits?
Well! I feel that way almost EVERY day at work and it's not just limited to the dress code. In navy-blue-suit, off-white Corporate America, I feel like a rare and exotic bird: a Trini-sounding, sashaying, joke-cracking, smart and feisty bird. Your brand of bird may be different, but I am sure that if you're reading this, you can probably relate.
Only recently, have I begun to realize the impact that I have been having on young people in the company who feel like imposters, and underdogs, and misfits; feeling perplexed about how to BE in order to succeed.
They told me they did not know it was possible to be SO uncompromisingly yourself and be respected at the same time, and I was honestly shocked; because I do not consider myself to be a success (the sky's the limit remember? and there is no limit to the sky! see my earlier post on my mother's mantras).
But then I felt warmed, and humbled, and responsible... responsible for sharing my thoughts and stories with all the other beautiful misfits out there, so that we can be ourselves in a room full of suits and we will all be perfectly fine.