Connecting Our Disparate Inner Parts
A disconnected inner self leads to a chaotic outer world experience in which we feel like we don't fit in. Feeling like you don't fit in affects how we act, treat others, and perceive the world around us.
The journey towards healing starts with acknowledging and accepting these truths and committing to a lifestyle that connects the disparate parts of our inner world. Connecting our disparate inner parts makes our inner world whole.
In this whole inner world, unpleasant feelings are no longer labeled as bad and hidden away but are acknowledged and cared for, just like the feelings traditionally labeled as pleasant.
In this whole inner world, unpleasant feelings are first-class citizens. All feelings get to experience the joy of being seen.
The biggest step we must take is acknowledging, accepting, and experiencing all feelings on an even playing field. When we take this step, our perspective opens and our compassion for others deepens.
Compassion transforms our actions. We feel good.
And so the cycle goes.
Hello Everyone. My name is ___ and I am a recovering perfectionist
"Close your eyes! Open your hands, Mummy!" demanded my 6 year old daughter one Saturday morning as she eagerly shared another one of her precious works of art. She had been silently toiling away at it in her room for over an hour.
"Okay. Now, open them!" ... "I made this for you. Do you like it?" I smiled knowingly, slowly opened my eyes and excitedly exclaimed [like it was the first time this scene was being played out], "Oh, thank you darling! It is absolutely goooorrggeeouus!"
Without trying to break my smile, I snuck a quick glance down at her multi-colored fingers and palms, and then at the floor where a trail of itty bitty pieces of paper and glitter lay in her path. I breathed deeply and quietly reminded myself: It's the weekend, Nikkia; let her have her fun; remember it's about finding joy in the DOING; embrace the chaos.
Seeming to sense my struggle to keep things positive, she added empathetically: "Mummy, you don't have to worry about all of this. Remember, I am an artist, and sometimes artists have to make mess in order to create!" I was equal parts shocked at the maturity of her words AND inspired by how quickly the student was becoming the teacher. But mostly, I was super duper proud.
It is wonderful that she has found an outlet to express herself, without inhibition, at such a young age. And I admire that she sees so much beauty in imperfection (or rather, what the world has taught us to view as imperfect). Where others see drawing outlines as a clear indication of where color should begin and stop, she sees mere suggestions that need not be taken too seriously.
I feel slightly ashamed to admit this. But the truth is that in my daughter's early coloring days, my instinct was to say "nice job sweetie pie, but, see those lines? Let's try to color inside of them next time." Of course I didn't say this outloud. But I thought it, and that was enough for me to feel like I was doing a lousy job at embracing my daughter for who she was and nurturing her natural talents.
It was clear that I needed to work on myself and my perfectionist mindset before I could willingly accept the clutter, the fingerprints on the walls and the general chaos. I had to let go of my desire to want her to want order, neatness and perfection (read: be more like me).
My perfectionist tendencies went way back. It was a quality that was nurtured in me as a child and rewarded in school. It helped me remain focused and resilient after I'd graduated from university and then again, business school and desperately in search of a job.
I was the person who would look at an email endlessly to make sure that it was perfect before hitting the send button. And even after sending it out, I'd re-read it, then get angry at myself if I noticed a mistake that I did not catch before sending it out. And when a presentation was finished, I'd spend hours making it look like a consultant's presentation; fixating on font and formatting and slide titles like the future of the business depended on it. It was excruciating and time-sucking, but it also secretly made me very happy to do these things.
It took a near burnout for me to realize that striving for perfection not only stressed me out unnecessarily, but also made me look like a control freak who didn't know how to prioritize. A close friend recognized my patterns and was eager to share a road-tested solution with me. She knew that I was a junkie for constructive feedback and would want to "win" at implementing this. I am so happy that she shared this, because I've been passing it along to others ever since.
She said that I could relax to my standards to about 80% because, for many folks, my 80% looked pretty damn close to 100%. The value of that remaining 20% was almost non-existent. It may have made ME feel good, but it took time and energy to get there and was not seen to offer any substantial value over and above the 80%.
So I slowly started pulling back to test the waters. And you know what? No. One. Noticed. A. Difference. Not a soul.
- I did not get called out for sending emails with typos or presentations with wonky formatting. The message was received and understood.
- Something kind of strange also started happening. The more I shared my 60% or 80% finished work with my partners, the more involved they began to feel in my work and the easier it was for them to provide helpful feedback. It was as though showing NON-perfect work was a show of how comfortable and confident as I was in my work.
- Of course, if I was dealing with a priority project or communicating with a person or a group that were very high up in the pecking order, I buttoned up and gave 100% and spent that extra time where I needed to.
Today, I am proud to say that I am a recovering perfectionist. I prioritize where I need to put more focus and spend more time and where I can afford to do less - at home AND at work. And when I start slipping back into old habits, I think of my daughter's approach to her art and remind myself to let go and not take things so seriously.
So tell me, do you consider yourself a perfectionist or a recovering perfectionist? How has that affected the way you work - positively and negatively. Feel free to share your thoughts / stories in the comments section below.
Some people will dislike you no matter what you do... and that's totally fine
That is not me. I think he might have something against me. Or maybe he just does not like me. I'm not sure what else I can do. I am not sure I want to do anything else.
These were the thoughts that flitted across my mind while receiving some unusually harsh, and undeserved criticism from someone, on behalf of someone else.
Sitting across from the message bearer, I stared unflinchingly into his eyes with legs crossed and torso upright and forward leaning; a physical habit that I'd adopted so that I could fully focus on the message, listen intently, actively, and empathetically; so that I could try to tease apart fact from fiction... truth from emotion.
Although I wanted to defend myself against what felt like character assassination and was growing more frustrated at the suggestion that I should continue to find ways to "win him over" given his position, I remained motionless and quiet, except for the occasional blink or reflexive head tilt to express my genuine disbelief and concern. When a natural lull in the conversation allowed me to respond, I calmly let it out:
"I am sorry, but asking me to try to 'win him over' is something that is a bit unfair. I have heard this feedback before and done all that I could do to flex my style to make him more comfortable with me and to try to build a relationship. I honestly believe that he simply does not like me because I break with the norm of what he's used to; if I don't agree with him, I voice it... and this does not sit well with him. So I have accepted that he may always dislike me, and you know what? I am okay with it."
I went on to try to elaborate why I felt it was impossible to win this man over: he had an old-school view of women in the workplace; a cultural background that emphasized hierarchy pandering to the one individual at the top; a belief that people should only do what they are told versus challenge the status quo.
And while I understood the feedback, I was clear that I was no longer going to try to be liked by someone whose feelings I had no control over... because 'trying' would require me to completely alter the way I showed up in any interaction with him, quiet the natural curiosity that led me to ask questions in meetings that could illuminate a better way forward; and stop challenging when I felt like I had ample information or cause to do so.
I'd be lying if I told you that this was easy. It wasn't. It was tough because I like people, and I like people to like me. I enjoy helping people and the teams that I work with, and want to bring a light, positive and we-can-do-this energy in all my interactions. So making the decision to stop trying to work on a relationship that only I wanted to see improve, took mental toughness and resilience.
So if like me, you're not a natural 'people pleaser,' you will probably encounter similar situations at work and in life. It may hurt the first time you get word that someone doesn't like you and that's okay. You can't ignore the feeling. But you can control your behavior and what you do next.
Your challenge will be to figure out: (A) whether the dislike that you're experiencing is valid and needs your attention (because it causes discomfort, truly offends others, or is hurting the perception of your work); or (B) whether the dislike should be left alone and ignored (because it is directed to you the person and not your work or contributions, is isolated to an individual, and your previous attempts to build a relationship with the person has led to naught).
If it's the former, then you have some reflection to do and I'd recommend seeking advice from your manager, a coach or mentor on how to address whatever the issue is. But if it's the latter, then understanding that NOT caring too much - cause it saves your energy and allows you to not compromise who you are - could be the key to moving on.
For more insights on how to care less when someone doesn't like you, check out this blog post from Refine the Mind titled, The Gorgeous Reality of Not Being Well-Liked by Everyone.
What strategies have you employed to deal with people who dislike you, either at work or in life? Please let me know in the comments section below!
I am inspired by: Nakhane - South African Musician, Actor, Writer
I was introduced to Nakhane about a month ago by my husband. He shared a Sound Exploder episode decoding "New Brighton," one of the songs on Nakhane's 2018 album You Will Not Die, because he thought I'd like the story and the song. My husband was right.
I loved both the story and the song, and was quite honestly so deeply affected by the raw honesty in the song's lyrics, Nakhane's commentary about the origins of the song, his complicated relationship with religion, the influences on his life choices and his ongoing evolution as an artist, that I was hungry to learn more. I was particularly inspired by his vulnerability and courage, and wanted to somehow get closer to this talented, complex and authentic artist so I could vibe off of his unique energy. I instantly became a fan. And as I continue on my own journey of being vulnerably courageous in all of my life's pursuits, I am happy to have acquired another relatable inspiration.
We can learn so much from the people around us who demonstrate this level of bravery and humility in their life's work. For certain, Nakhane won't be everyone's cup of tea, so no pressure to become a fan yourself. But if you are open to new experiences and your interest has been piqued, feel free to check out that Sound Exploder episode I referenced above.
Corporate underdogs and eclectics, rejoice in your strangeness!
Have you ever found yourself in that awkward situation where you show up to an event, enter a room in which everyone seems to have already spent an unnatural amount of time getting acquainted, and suddenly discover that everyone is wearing nearly identical outfits?
Well! I feel that way almost EVERY day at work and it's not just limited to the dress code. In navy-blue-suit, off-white Corporate America, I feel like a rare and exotic bird: a Trini-sounding, sashaying, joke-cracking, smart and feisty bird. Your brand of bird may be different, but I am sure that if you're reading this, you can probably relate.
Only recently, have I begun to realize the impact that I have been having on young people in the company who feel like imposters, and underdogs, and misfits; feeling perplexed about how to BE in order to succeed.
They told me they did not know it was possible to be SO uncompromisingly yourself and be respected at the same time, and I was honestly shocked; because I do not consider myself to be a success (the sky's the limit remember? and there is no limit to the sky! see my earlier post on my mother's mantras).
But then I felt warmed, and humbled, and responsible... responsible for sharing my thoughts and stories with all the other beautiful misfits out there, so that we can be ourselves in a room full of suits and we will all be perfectly fine.