The Intoxication of Feedback

Feedback is like a drug to me, and I've been a junkie for it all of my working life. Not just the nice, 'you've done a good job' kind of feedback, but more of the 'here's what you can do better' variety that gives me something tangible to munch on.

Maybe it's because I never had the kind of enviable confidence that some people have. The kind of confidence that makes them feel like they are always right. The kind of confidence that, like a security blanket or better yet, a protective shield, makes it difficult for any kind of criticism to seep through.

Or maybe it's because I think that I'm destined to forever be a runner-up, never in first place, kind of woman, and so there's always room to do more work to be an even better version of myself. Whatever the reason, it's left me hungry to understand what I can improve, and therefore always very receptive to feedback.

Among the best feedback I have ever received, the piece of advice that remains with me to this day, had to do with my posture during meetings. YES, my posture of all things. Specifically, to not let my shoulders fall during challenging or heated conversations in which my ideas were being built upon (stolen?) and someone else was receiving the full credit.


I was very early in my career when I received this gem of advice - super green on the job, but full of thoughts about how to solve problems creatively, intuition about business, and enthusiasm to contribute. I wasn't afraid to contribute openly in discussions with very senior people. But I was unaccustomed to the politics and the competitive dynamics in a hierarchical environment. I had loads of potential, but my delivery needed pruning.

A typical day involved many meetings with peers across different functional departments and senior leaders who were ultimately there to be appealed to with compelling arguments. The meetings were like a theatre - a Broadway play with a cast of characters who rotated across the same roles.


The narcissist was my favorite role to observe. This person not only had the most air time in every meeting, but also found a way to take credit for all of the good ideas, including mine. And the resultant praise that would be directed in the narcissist's direction would plant seeds of doubt and uncertainty in my mind and apparently, also on my face and in my shoulders.

So when I received this amazingly pointed feedback, I was so thankful. I am indeed an extremely animated in person. Even when I am not speaking, I am speaking. I listen and react to others with my whole body. So the feedback was clearly for me - it was based in accurate observation, was insightful, and specific, and doled out in a careful manner that balanced softness with brutal honesty.


Immediately after that conversation, I became hyper aware of my body language and facial expressions during meetings. I had to act-as-if I was not affected when my ideas were being retold by another, because the truth is, I did feel a sting of hurt and at the time, was still inexperienced in the art of advocating for myself.

I wondered then, as I often do now, about the many people who never have the blessing of experiencing this kind of compassionate feedback and lament at what a missed opportunity that is.


So if or when you have the opportunity to coach or mentor someone and want to help them develop in a certain area by sharing feedback, consider the following tips to do so carefully and effectively.

  1. Be specific. The worst kind of feedback, is vague or generic feedback that does not pinpoint specific examples of the behavior or issue you'd like the individual to address. Statements like, "good job" or "you should prioritize better" don't help to narrow down the things that are working well and should be maintained, or not working well and need to be adjusted. However, qualifying statements like, "good job on delivering a very clear, concise and compelling presentation. The way you visualized the story helped bring the audience along." can go much further to motivate and also clarify expectations around what good looks like in the future. The same clarity goes when giving constructive feedback.
  2. Give examples. If the feedback is related to a particular behavior, it is helpful to make note of specific examples of when the behavior was observed so that these can be recalled when giving feedback. It will bring the receiver back to the moment and what was going on - all context that makes the feedback become internalized in more lasting ways than in the absence of specific examples.
  3. Be timely. Never wait too long before giving feedback. The more distance between the moment a behavior is observed and the moment that feedback is received, the more challenging the conversation can become.
  4. Be empathetic. Try to find a time and space that works for the person with whom you are going to speak. You don't want them to feel cornered or caught off guard. Ask them whether they are open to receiving feedback. And only if they say yes, should you proceed to share your thoughts.

Feel free to share your own experiences with giving and receiving feedback in the comments section below. We'd love to hear.

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Why your non-conventional background could be helpful in your career

You thought that no one would care and that only your academic and professional achievements would matter. You convinced yourself that spending any amount of time elaborating on your foray into the arts world after college would be a distraction during the interview. You were afraid that you might be judged for having pursued a creative path full-time. Little did you know that this was the secret sauce that would set you apart and help you stand out in a sea of sameness.

I've had the chance to review hundreds of résumés and interview all manner of candidate over my career, and have been struck by how many people fail to integrate their artsy non-conventional pasts into the telling of their background stories. While the job may not call out a creative past as a prerequisite, it's important (and potentially game-changing) to talk about how your diverse experiences have helped shaped the person you are today and why that makes you especially equipped to be able to bring a fresh perspective to conversations that can shape the trajectory of the business.

I understand how much like competitive sports the task of applying for jobs has become. The experience is insanely stressful, made even more so in an age of technology. The supply of available jobs has been made more visible thanks to platforms like LinkedIn, the anguish of slow progress is exacerbated as each job posting can receive an abundance of applications that takes a long period for the poster to go through, and for the lucky few who make it through to the end, social media offers a platform for celebration that makes the others still on the hunt feel further behind the pack than they really are.

But if you have been lucky enough to make it past the initial phone screen to an in-person on telephone / video conference interview, you can breathe a sigh of relief because you have met the basic qualifications for the role. The expectation in the next round is that you show the interviewing team why you, above anyone else, should be their final selection.

While your ability to interview well does influence the interviewers' perception of what you bring to the table, a good interviewer should be able to parse this out of the equation and focus on you, your unique capabilities and strengths, so that he/she can assess whether you will thrive in the role and be an asset to the team.

So when asked to tell the interviewer about yourself, resist the urge to rehash every detail of your résumé and schooling.

You have only 30 or 45 minutes to convince this person that you're worth progressing to the next round so try to paint a picture of who you really are, what you care about, and why your collection of life experiences make you best suited for the job. And if you have a passion or a hobby that is creative in nature, talk about how that has helped you think, feel or act in a way that has brought tangible value to the teams on which, and people with whom you have worked. Trust me, it will leave a memorable impression that may just be the thing that pushes you closer towards clinching the top spot.

How have you, or someone you have interviewed, brought to life your creative side to interviewers in a compelling way?

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It's OK to Introduce Your Coworkers to 'Weekend You'

How different is the Weekday You from Weekend You? If you've crafted a unique persona for the office to deal with the demands of work or to better fit in with your company's culture, you're not alone.

I once worked with a young woman who confided in me about having created two very distinct identities - a professional and polite weekday persona, and a political and social activist weekend persona - which she went to great extents not to mix.

I asked her why she kept her lives so separate, and was struck by the conviction she expressed in explaining why cultivating and maintaining a weekday character - one that was extremely subdued, smiling and compliant - was essential to her survival in Corporate America. I understand why she felt the need to make microscopic adjustments to how she 'showed up' at work in order to survive her different professional experiences, but couldn't relate to some of the more extreme measures she had chosen to take to conceal her true personality.

So I talked to more people who felt similarly to better understand why they felt that they had no choice but to hide from office-view, the versions of themselves that only family and friends had the joy of experiencing - their Weekend selves. The reasons given were extremely nuanced and complicated, so I've tried to extract from their stories the most common themes:

  1. There are right and wrong ways to present yourself - or at least this is how you feel when you are given subtle messages every day that suggest this to be true, depending on the culture of the company or team that you've found yourself in. Everything from the way the majority dresses to the topics of conversation at the lunch table, cue what is acceptable and unacceptable in implicit ways.
  2. It pays to change because non-conformity can affect your pocket. Sometimes the retaliation you fear will come to you when you share anything personal about yourself, is financial in nature. It may manifest as the absence of, or reduction in, some monetary incentive that you were expecting, and your gut tells you that this did not result from poor performance (although you don't have any tangible proof). Unfortunately, for many of us, this is too much of a risk to take.
  3. Fear of being judged. This is one of the more prevalent underlying reasons for not revealing our Weekend personas to our co-workers. Oftentimes, 'being yourself' or being 'authentic' sound more like cute catchphrases - nice to utter, but few understand what the terms really mean or how to approach it... and even fewer actually put authenticity into daily practice. So we end up being starved for real-life examples of people (above and around us) who bring their whole selves to work while still being successful. And so we're left with a lingering question - if no one else is shedding their superhero mask at the office, then why should I?
  4. You were taught that concealing your true self is a prerequisite for success. And this is the toughest one because as adults, the hardest beliefs and attitudes to undo, are the ones that were handed down to us by our elders when we were children.

But being yourself at work doesn't have to be a binary concept.

Although going all the way to having split personalities doesn't seem like the right way to go because of all the emotional energy that one has to use to maintain two distinct personas (think about how stressful it is to keep a secret about yourself from someone you see every day), I recognize that if you haven't been practicing being fully yourself at work for a long time, then making an abrupt change can seem like an enormous task. So why not start slowly and take some baby steps?

  • Reveal something about yourself to a co-worker you trust. ...nothing too personal if you're not comfortable or a solid and trust-worthy working relationship has not yet been established. It could be as simple as sharing a little insight into what you like to do when you're not working. Start there and see where it goes.
  • Try dressing a wee bit more like your weekend self at work. ...nothing drastic if you're not into this or are already feeling very much like yourself in your work attire. But if you feel like you have to put on a straight jacket every day of the week, and that translates into an outside-in transformation that you'd like to revert, then (within reason) try literally loosening up a bit if you can. Lose the tie! Add some color! Wear those comfy flats! (Ladies, check out Corporette for some fashion ideas that straddle the worlds of uber corporate and weekend chic.)
  • Find an office inspiration. Be on the lookout for someone at work who looks like they've already got things figured out. Well not ALL things, but at least this tricky idea of bringing your whole self to work ... and invite them out to tea/coffee to ask them how they managed to pull it off.

If you have more tips to share based on your own experience, I would love for you to share them here. [Please comment below.]

Also, I'm so FAR from being an expert on the topic and am only seeking to help by sharing my own thoughts and experiences. So please check out Brené Brown's inspiring TED Talk on The Power of Vulnerability to learn more about why it's better to bring your true 'Weekend Self' to work every day from an expert who has studied the topic and spoken prolifically about it over the years.

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